Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
