You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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