He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
