my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
