I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
