i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
