come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
