let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
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I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Found the puke drawer
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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