I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
