I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He better not be in your backpack
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
