Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
