I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
