It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
