Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
