I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
sick fucks of a feather flock together
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
