I wish I could punch you in the face.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
