I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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