Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
