Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
