we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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