i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
