If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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