Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
