I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
