sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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