She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
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This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
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I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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