new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
