He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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