i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
