He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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