You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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