He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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