So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Two words: blizzard sex
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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