This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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