and you said cock pushups were impossible
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
