If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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