Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
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Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
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I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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