Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
