he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
