well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
