Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
