Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
