can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
