last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
