the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
