When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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