You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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