These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
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