God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
