I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
