On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
