We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
