I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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