Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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