He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
