its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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