I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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