you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
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