I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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